yodge (yodge) wrote,

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The Art of Being

I've been asked several times how to be happy. Some tell me that they find it curious that I'm rarely upset beyond 10 minutes. If it's fake, then I'm really good at it, and if it's real then it's bizarre. Some ask me how I deal with all the crazy changes in my life without wallowing. How do I deal with death and change and being alone and accelerated growing-up? (And by accelerated growing up I don't mean that I'm wearing lipstick and eyeshadow and reading Cosmo - more like living alone, paying bills and starting investment accounts.)

Looking around, I see a lot of people driven by emotion, and it's killing them. And it confuses me sometimes when I see happy people in person and read their anguished blogs the same day. (Which leads to the question of whether my friends are being honest with me, but I suspect this is what most people do... and most people only journal when they're sad anyway.) Someone asked me how I've been handling the past year and a half of my life (recap: Dad dies at 48, Yoj grows up, Life happens, Mom is getting re-married, Brother is getting married, More Life happens, Yoj is moving to Australia, etc.) and why I'm not insane and torn up with conflicting emotions. It's not that I don't feel that life is moving really fast or that I'm happy all the time or that I'm emotionless... I just don't let it control me. It's a choice. I choose to control my emotions. I control them. I experience them, I feel them fully, and taste them exquisitely, but they are mine. They are mine, and not the other way around. They are mine, and I am God's.

Maybe it's just this knowledge that although I'm not in control all the time, it doesn't matter, because I know Someone Else is. And crazy as it may seem, I can be happy even when life screws me over because I know I'm loved. I'm safe.

And so I delight at the sun and am at peace in the storms. It's not about being happy, really. It's living every moment knowing that I'm totally safe, no matter what. It's joy.
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