But now I'm getting this little niggling worry. Will I regret not doing the extra year (for the extra "Hons" on the paper) the same way I sorta regret quitting piano before even doing my Grade 1 exam? The same way I kindasorta regret not doing Art in high school, or the way I didn't stick to learning Chinese, or the way I didn't study for my final I.B. Design Tech exam? Well, okay, I don't really regret the not studying for the DT exam, since I honestly didn't care about it. But I think it's a pride thing - I didn't get the grade I could have gotten, and it hurts my ego ever so slightly that the whole world doesn't go "Aw, that girl is so smart!"... but in another way I think I did it purposely so that I wouldn't. It appears that my habit of quitting and underachieving has been rooted in what this counsellor once told me was the "fear of success". I'm scared of doing well. It's the other side of the Fear Of Failure coin... they're both ultimately about my fear of others and what they'll think, I guess.
On the other hand, I think I'm also scared to death of "succeeding" (or how others see it) just because I can. I know I can, I just don't want to do it just because I can. I want to be able to clearly separate what I'm good at and what I love. But then again... I don't want to do a non-Honors degree just because I may have a stupid fear and consequent need to prove to the world how much I "don't care" about their standards. I did it with I.B. - I know that I threw my DT exam because I didn't particularly care for the subject, but also partly because I wanted to show my friends (and teachers) how much I didn't care. It's stupid and I know now that I should've at least studied a little, if for nothing but to give my teachers half the respect that they deserved. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm beginning to realize how disrespectful it was for me to disregard their efforts and purposely not do my best. (This especially after I just gave my Band a pep-talk about us being our own yardstick.) Augh. Quitter. Lazy. Underachiever. It's everything I tell others not to be, and I know I'm it. I always have been, and I feel like an idiot. An indecisive idiot with too many thoughts and not enough prayers.
And today, over lunch, a friend looked at me and went "You mean you're really not gonna go for Honors?" That really threw me, since she was the one who first agreed that not doing it was a fabulous idea. She was one of the greatest supporters of the idea of going voluntarily without Honors... aah! And what's worse is that her innocent query has got me thinking about it again and again and again. Why aren't I? Why should I? Flip flop flip flop. Continue? Quit? Although I suppose going without honors isn't "quitting" per se, since I still get the silly piece of paper.
I guess it all boils down to my intentions. Why am I in university in the first place? I'm not in it to please others or to fulfill socety's expectations (blah blah, I am woman hear me roar, etc.). Well, ultimately my goal is to do what brings the most glory to my God. But I don't see how getting an Honors degree helps. Pastor D said something interesting in church a couple weeks ago: "Too many of you worry about small things like what job you should take, who you're gonna marry, etc... But as far as earthly life goes, God actually doesn't care a whole lot about stuff like that. He's interested mainly in your character." That really, really comforts me.
Must remind myself. It. Doesn't. Matter. I guess the only thing I need to quit right now is worrying.
And now, for something fun:
(Baby eating!?) City Of Heroes, here I come...