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Third year of uni starting soon. It may be my final year. I've been telling everyone that it is. That I don't want to do the Honors year. I mean, my main reasoning has always been: Why subject myself to more school than absolutely necessary? Even university seemed excessive when I graduated high school, but I just went with it because I was in a sort of drift-with-the-current phase, and there didn't seem to be anything better to do at the time. And I just don't think I love History (or English Language) enough to devote another year of my life to it. I just don't.

But now I'm getting this little niggling worry. Will I regret not doing the extra year (for the extra "Hons" on the paper) the same way I sorta regret quitting piano before even doing my Grade 1 exam? The same way I kindasorta regret not doing Art in high school, or the way I didn't stick to learning Chinese, or the way I didn't study for my final I.B. Design Tech exam? Well, okay, I don't really regret the not studying for the DT exam, since I honestly didn't care about it. But I think it's a pride thing - I didn't get the grade I could have gotten, and it hurts my ego ever so slightly that the whole world doesn't go "Aw, that girl is so smart!"... but in another way I think I did it purposely so that I wouldn't. It appears that my habit of quitting and underachieving has been rooted in what this counsellor once told me was the "fear of success". I'm scared of doing well. It's the other side of the Fear Of Failure coin... they're both ultimately about my fear of others and what they'll think, I guess.

On the other hand, I think I'm also scared to death of "succeeding" (or how others see it) just because I can. I know I can, I just don't want to do it just because I can. I want to be able to clearly separate what I'm good at and what I love. But then again... I don't want to do a non-Honors degree just because I may have a stupid fear and consequent need to prove to the world how much I "don't care" about their standards. I did it with I.B. - I know that I threw my DT exam because I didn't particularly care for the subject, but also partly because I wanted to show my friends (and teachers) how much I didn't care. It's stupid and I know now that I should've at least studied a little, if for nothing but to give my teachers half the respect that they deserved. Actually, now that I think about it, I'm beginning to realize how disrespectful it was for me to disregard their efforts and purposely not do my best. (This especially after I just gave my Band a pep-talk about us being our own yardstick.) Augh. Quitter. Lazy. Underachiever. It's everything I tell others not to be, and I know I'm it. I always have been, and I feel like an idiot. An indecisive idiot with too many thoughts and not enough prayers.

And today, over lunch, a friend looked at me and went "You mean you're really not gonna go for Honors?" That really threw me, since she was the one who first agreed that not doing it was a fabulous idea. She was one of the greatest supporters of the idea of going voluntarily without Honors... aah! And what's worse is that her innocent query has got me thinking about it again and again and again. Why aren't I? Why should I? Flip flop flip flop. Continue? Quit? Although I suppose going without honors isn't "quitting" per se, since I still get the silly piece of paper.

I guess it all boils down to my intentions. Why am I in university in the first place? I'm not in it to please others or to fulfill socety's expectations (blah blah, I am woman hear me roar, etc.). Well, ultimately my goal is to do what brings the most glory to my God. But I don't see how getting an Honors degree helps. Pastor D said something interesting in church a couple weeks ago: "Too many of you worry about small things like what job you should take, who you're gonna marry, etc... But as far as earthly life goes, God actually doesn't care a whole lot about stuff like that. He's interested mainly in your character." That really, really comforts me.

Must remind myself. It. Doesn't. Matter. I guess the only thing I need to quit right now is worrying.

And now, for something fun:

If you and your friends were a Superhero Team
LJ Username
Pick a Hat
Type of Chip
What Kind of costume do you have?
After gaining your powers from benevolent aliens
You joined forces with nobuddy69
and jereeza
to eat babies
as the Pack of Liars
While Constantly working against the plans of istari_ala
This QuickKwiz by unstablist - Taken 3551 Times.
New - Kwiz.Biz Astrology and Horoscopes

(Baby eating!?) City Of Heroes, here I come...

Good night!

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(Deleted comment)
they might not be the same thing? ;)

yeah. it would be great if they were, but my problem is that what i love is sorta like a sub-set of what i'm good at. and if i just went with what i was good at, i'd probably be studying economics or business management or literature or... ok, my problem is, i have never been really much better at anything than anything else. i do reasonably well (if not very well) most of the time... which is why my fellow Sporeans are reeling at the fact that I would voluntarily not go for an honors year just to make myself look good. and now i'm wondering if they're right and my not-wanting-to-look-good-for-the-sake-of-looking-good is really not-wanting-to-look-good-for-the-sake-of-looking-good-just-so-I-can-make-some-sort-of-social-statement-which-is-really-another-method-of-ego-inflation-albeit-twisted.

did that make sense?


it makes sense the way a twisting creeper makes wood! *nirg*

can you find out what you, yourself, actually want? do you want to study more? (i know you're not too thrilled at the idea, but would it amuse you slightly?) or would you like to work?

if honours would help you to find a better, more meaningful job, then perhaps you should go for that. if, on the other hand, you're itching to do something (like i am) you should perhaps try your hand at real life.

can you go back and do yer honours later, if you need or want to?

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