yodge (yodge) wrote,

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I've come to realize that I've changed. I'm not sure if it's for the better. I used to write. A lot. I'd write stories. All sorts. Stories about children who fall out their bedroom windows and end up in the middle of the forest (when their house wasn't in the middle of the forest.) Stories about teenage fathers. Stories about when the world changes color and purple is green and orange is black. Stories. Lots of them. I wrote entire novels at one stage, chapter after chapter. I believe my longest work was a somewhat contrived boarding-school series of stories. Or maybe it was the one about the girl who lived on a farm. Whatever. They're all gone now. I think I stopped sometime in high school, maybe when I was about 16. And I wiped them all out with a couple of double-clicks. Deleted them all from my hard-drive. I don't know why. Maybe I felt that my time as a wannabe writer was over, since I never seemed to have anything truly original to write. I think the only fragments of my fiction-writing past are in a little folder in "My Documents" called "Old school stuff", and I only kept a couple short stories from Y11 (American 10th). Why?

It's so easy to delete. Hours and hours of my life... gone.

I tried a little poetry. But then musician in me went nuts and tried to put everything to a tune, so I stopped. I started songwriting when I was about 16, I think. Now I'm nearly 21, and it's crazy, but I got this feeling today: STOP. In the same way I simply stopped writing stories, I had this urge to just throw down my pen and say "Forget it." I mean, what's the point? Do I need to waste my time writing stupid lyrics and tunes when nobody really listens but me anyway? I'm tired. I've stopped feeling. I'm not exactly sure how, but I get the feeling that part of me is just... there. Don't get me wrong, I'm still plenty expressive and all, but I get this feeling that I used to be so much... more. I dunno. I just picked up an old binder today and found some of the earlier songs that I wrote when I was 17. There are chord progressions in there that I didn't know I even knew. I found basslines that I would never dream of writing now. I used to be creative. Now I'm productive. Maybe I got that awful QUIT feeling because I realized how much my musical freedom has deteriorated, giving way to the monster that is Verse/Chorus/Verse/Chorus/Bridge in 4/4.

Is this what depression feels like? Knowing that there's more but you can't feel it? I'm pretty sure I'm not depressed. I'm just kinda tired now, I guess.

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